PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

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PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Nicki
My boyfriend is a combat veteran and has shared that he has PTSD and went to counseling after his tour in Iraq.  He has not given details and I have not pressed him.  We have only been dating for about 4 months and suddenly one month ago things went south between us.  Behaviors I noted were that he seems to have very few close friends, a limited social life, and seemed to be a bit of a white liar.  We fell head over heels in love right away and after a month were already talking about our future.  Neither of us are the type to do so and both kept saying how strange it was that it just felt RIGHT.  Point being- we had an amazing relationship. The little white lies mostly seemed like he was trying to fit in to a conversation or feel less insecure about something. It seemed harmless at first but it slowly eroded at his credibility.  I have trust issues as it is, so what started happening is that I was constantly questioning his stories.  I tried to counter then internally before accusing him to avoid the obvious problem with that, but after one incident where he lied about taking a trip to Vegas (he still won't admit that he went) I lost my ability to control or keep it to myself.  Full disclosure- I went a little crazy on him and basically became convinced that he was cheating.  I just felt like I wanted to catch him in it so I could have an excuse.  Problem is, I never caught him.  I fear I actually triggered his PTSD by making him feel like I was stalking him.  He seemed to close off and push me away.  I recognized my behavior and apologized profusely, and more importantly I modified it.  I am in therapy for anxiety myself, so I battle with things too.  So please no judgement.  In my eyes I was protecting myself, though it essentially backfired.  At that point though, the lies then started to expand, he blocked me from Facebook/snapchat and continues to lie and tell me he just deactivated his account (he doesn't realize his account isn't private- so all I have to do is look through a friends account and he shows up, so I know for FACT he is blocking me). The blocked FB account has a profile pic of him in Vegas with a date stamp of 2014.  He seems checked out and as if he has thrown up a huge barricade.  He claims he still loves me and sees a future, but it just seems like once he started noticing that I wasn't going to allow him to BS me, he shut down.  He changed the locks at his house and claimed it was because the lock broke.  He now will make loose plans with me then not show, and once I became concerned for him well-being so I went to his house and he was just lying in bed in the dark looking depressed.  One day he told me he was working and I went to his house and he was just there hanging out at home. Not with anyone, just doing chores.  He claimed he lied because he didn't think I would understand that he needed the day to himself, which is not true at all but I told him I understood and moved past it.  One night he texted me in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep and said he took 5 OTC sleeping pills.  A co-worker of his is a personal friend of mine, and I had a conversation with him about it and he admitted that my boyfriend is known for being a "serious bullshitter" so I don't think it's just me.  He also was fairly certain about the Vegas trip.   It was like we worked until we got past a certain point where he could no longer hide parts of his life.  The worst part about the lies is that he refuses to admit to them even when he's caught.  If he would give me full disclosure and admit to lying, I think it would be easier to try to wipe the slate clean but it's never getting wiped clean because the lies are continuing.  He will tell me the reason for his behavior is because of mine- I tell him my behavior is as a result of his.  It's a terrible cycle.  
All of my friends have gone from loving him and thinking he is the one for me, like I did/do, to pretty much telling me he's a piece of crap and I need to leave him.  Right now, I am fighting with the thought that his behavior is mental health related and with it just being him not being a good guy.  I love him and until we started having issues about 3-4 weeks ago, I would have bet my life that this man was the one God made for me and he felt the same.  At the time he was an open book and though I did note a few white lies, they were harmless ones.  Now, they have turned into much more concerning and potentially relationship-ending ones.  I guess I'm reaching out for opinions on this behavior as to whether or not this sounds like PTSD or not.  My fear is that I bail on him when he is slipping away and I lose him, or that I stick around and give him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn't deserve it.  Any advice is welcome.   Thanks!  
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Nicki
Also, I wanted to add that he always carries a gun on him.  One night I found him in his room surrounded by 4 guns while reading a Jihadist mag.  He is in law enforcement and is legally able to take a gun with him to all businesses, but sometimes I think he does it because he is fearful.  
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

jmspraggins
In reply to this post by Nicki
Girl. PLEASE get out while you still can, seriously. Please. You can't change him, it won't get better at least not any time soon.
I recently married a vet with PTSD, and TBI and I thought he was misunderstood, I thought he hadn't been given a fair shot etc. He's on meds, is a recovering alcoholic, smokes etc. Don't let yourself feel guilty or get manipulated into staying. I don't mean to sound negative, I just know how some situations can be and I wish I had listened to the advice that was given to me. You sound like a lovely young lady, don't waste your life trying to save someone.
 
Hugs

On Sat, Nov 22, 2014 at 6:00 PM, Nicki [via PTSD Wives Help] <[hidden email]> wrote:
My boyfriend is a combat veteran and has shared that he has PTSD and went to counseling after his tour in Iraq.  He has not given details and I have not pressed him.  We have only been dating for about 4 months and suddenly one month ago things went south between us.  Behaviors I noted were that he seems to have very few close friends, a limited social life, and seemed to be a bit of a white liar.  We fell head over heels in love right away and after a month were already talking about our future.  Neither of us are the type to do so and both kept saying how strange it was that it just felt RIGHT.  Point being- we had an amazing relationship. The little white lies mostly seemed like he was trying to fit in to a conversation or feel less insecure about something. It seemed harmless at first but it slowly eroded at his credibility.  I have trust issues as it is, so what started happening is that I was constantly questioning his stories.  I tried to counter then internally before accusing him to avoid the obvious problem with that, but after one incident where he lied about taking a trip to Vegas (he still won't admit that he went) I lost my ability to control or keep it to myself.  Full disclosure- I went a little crazy on him and basically became convinced that he was cheating.  I just felt like I wanted to catch him in it so I could have an excuse.  Problem is, I never caught him.  I fear I actually triggered his PTSD by making him feel like I was stalking him.  He seemed to close off and push me away.  I recognized my behavior and apologized profusely, and more importantly I modified it.  I am in therapy for anxiety myself, so I battle with things too.  So please no judgement.  In my eyes I was protecting myself, though it essentially backfired.  At that point though, the lies then started to expand, he blocked me from Facebook/snapchat and continues to lie and tell me he just deactivated his account (he doesn't realize his account isn't private- so all I have to do is look through a friends account and he shows up, so I know for FACT he is blocking me). The blocked FB account has a profile pic of him in Vegas with a date stamp of 2014.  He seems checked out and as if he has thrown up a huge barricade.  He claims he still loves me and sees a future, but it just seems like once he started noticing that I wasn't going to allow him to BS me, he shut down.  He changed the locks at his house and claimed it was because the lock broke.  He now will make loose plans with me then not show, and once I became concerned for him well-being so I went to his house and he was just lying in bed in the dark looking depressed.  One day he told me he was working and I went to his house and he was just there hanging out at home. Not with anyone, just doing chores.  He claimed he lied because he didn't think I would understand that he needed the day to himself, which is not true at all but I told him I understood and moved past it.  One night he texted me in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep and said he took 5 OTC sleeping pills.  A co-worker of his is a personal friend of mine, and I had a conversation with him about it and he admitted that my boyfriend is known for being a "serious bullshitter" so I don't think it's just me.  He also was fairly certain about the Vegas trip.   It was like we worked until we got past a certain point where he could no longer hide parts of his life.  The worst part about the lies is that he refuses to admit to them even when he's caught.  If he would give me full disclosure and admit to lying, I think it would be easier to try to wipe the slate clean but it's never getting wiped clean because the lies are continuing.  He will tell me the reason for his behavior is because of mine- I tell him my behavior is as a result of his.  It's a terrible cycle.  
All of my friends have gone from loving him and thinking he is the one for me, like I did/do, to pretty much telling me he's a piece of crap and I need to leave him.  Right now, I am fighting with the thought that his behavior is mental health related and with it just being him not being a good guy.  I love him and until we started having issues about 3-4 weeks ago, I would have bet my life that this man was the one God made for me and he felt the same.  At the time he was an open book and though I did note a few white lies, they were harmless ones.  Now, they have turned into much more concerning and potentially relationship-ending ones.  I guess I'm reaching out for opinions on this behavior as to whether or not this sounds like PTSD or not.  My fear is that I bail on him when he is slipping away and I lose him, or that I stick around and give him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn't deserve it.  Any advice is welcome.   Thanks!  


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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

tired
In reply to this post by Nicki
I agree with jmspraggins...  get out while you can.  He will bring you down with him and you don't deserve that.  my husband was my best friend for years.  But at one point he actually called the cops on me for no reason (made up a story to get me out of the house) so we were done.  I got a glimpse of how wonderful and easy and stress free life was without him... oh my god, you have no idea how nice and refreshing it is to be with "normal" people; a normal man.  To do what I wanted without being criticized or questioned about it.  I turned my attention back on me.  and to some extent it was great.  But,  I got sucked back in because I love him, he said all the right things, and couldn't see my life with anyone else.  It doesn't matter what you do or say, it'll never be the right thing and he will punish you for it.  He will hurt you when you don't deserve it and your health, mental and physical will suffer.  I had quit smoking, was healthy and happy with myself, but when I went back to him, within five months, he had totally undone it.  GET OUT NOW!!!  Do not put yourself through any unnecessary turmoil.  No matter what your heart says, that he needs you, you want to take care of him.  Nope.  Your main concern is you.  
Phi
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Phi
In reply to this post by Nicki
      I have been married for more than 30 years to my husband, a Vietnam veteran with a 100% disability rating that was given only in 2006 (he served in 1968). A hefty percentage of his disability is ptsd. Lies are the color of my life. I did not see them, but I complied with them early on. Wanting to believe....
      My only "advice" to you, friends, is to LOVE THE TRUTH and seek it. Refuse to be the one who whitewashes deceptions in order to 'make things work'. Insist upon the truth at every turn.
      Also THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. For me, this meant leaving home, and withdrawing my support as his nurse/therapist/etc. and seeking my own spiritual health (this happened after our two sons were grown). I did not divorce; I prayed for reconciliation, not knowing what this might be. Still don't know entirely, but we are in relationship and I am hopeful that he will benefit from our separation in ways he could not benefit from my "help".
       VA offered me nothing; As I enter my sixties now I am seeking what benefits I can. Whenever I receive any (most recently CHAMPVA insurance retroactive to 2006!) I am sure to tell my husband THANK YOU.
        It's not over till it's over. God the Father and Creator of us all is ruler over all things and He is good, no matter what it may appear to us in a moment of time.
        Bless  you sisters.
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

AngryAndScrewed
In reply to this post by Nicki
I just want to add another GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. This life of being lied to constantly will wear on you, and you cannot change him. Think about what you want out of your future. Do you want to have children? Do you want them to have a role model like this? It only gets worse. I'm not saying people can't change, but they can change before dragging someone else into their mess.
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Helena
In reply to this post by Nicki
Nicki

Yes I agree with the advise here. GET OUT GIRL NOW. GO NO CONTACT!
PTSD is a mental illness. If he has that then he is bad news.
In the book How to spot a dangerous man......any man with PTSD is considered dangerous.
The other thing is that I have known many army guys because of my husband. Many have PTSD. And they are in a bad way. And it gets worse as they get older.
But the other thing I have seen is that many of them of them are narcissists. An incurable.
Many of the things you have spoken about with your BF might indicate he is a narc. The lying and possible cheating etc.
PTSDs do lie but with narcs it is pathological.
Both narcs and PTSDs feel like you are walking on egg shells around them. And it is of course possible that he has both conditions. A cluster f**k as some people call them.
There are all sorts of clusters out there such as the above as well as borderline and narc and even narc and aspergers!
I would strongly suggest that you look at the work of Sam Vaknin on YouTube. He runs through the whole scene with the narc.
But whatever this guy is would you seriously want to put up with this for years?
At the moment you ares till madly in love with him. But it takes a while for the heart to catch up with the head.
If he is a narc or a cluster f he will probably at some stage try and drag you back. It is called hoovering. And then he will devalue and discard you again and again.
The main thing here is to go no contact. Educate yourself on these serious mental conditions and stay safe!
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Rose
In reply to this post by Nicki
I hate to tell you that it's probably both. I too found my then boyfriend doing the same thing. Telling me he was still on his return from deployment when he was actually home (I found a receipt from a local store during the time he was supposedly still traveling). He too would tell little white lies on things that I knew weren't or didn't happen as he was telling them. I saw little cracks very similar to what you've described. I know that he went through a very traumatic childhood, for which he didn't and hasn't gotten help, went into the military to escape the bad environment and deployed probably 4 times for as long as 6 months to Iraq and Afghanistan, which caused his childhood traumas to surface combined with whatever he experienced during deployments. He proposed upon his return from his last deployment, I accepted and then it all began. During our honeymoon he had a breakdown, drank excessively, got us into a potentially bad situation while in Mexico, left me in the room alone and went who knows where for most of the night in a drunken stooper and who knows what happened; I've overheard him tell a friend about a girl he met near the pool. Upon our return he had a friend pick him up at the airport because of "what I had done." We relocated to his next duty station, his condition deteriorated; he arrived first couldn't wait for me to arrive and then blamed me for everything. He finally got to the point where he realized he needed help. Military doctors treated him for 3 yrs for marital problems (e.g., first marriage, ready made family, major move, new job, etc.), I'm sure it was based on what he told him. They even called me and told me to keep all weapons out of his hands. After not seeing any progress I convinced him to seek help outside the military channels, this is when they finally agreed to treat him for PTSD. Of course, the doctors & his friends all blame me for his problems; much due to how well he hides his PTSD and blames me for his problems. I knew that I would go through some things, but not to the extent that I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I'm pretty much a single parent to my children from my first marriage & to our 2 yr old son. He can't cope with daily family occurrences; immediately gets overwhelmed and turns to alcohol. We Have been geographically separated for 3 yrs as I didn't want to move the family and start over in a job that wouldn't understand my predicament. Sounds bad, but when we were together he moved out several times for months at a time, telling people he was divorced and would then lie about getting out  of the lease when he was ready to move back in. It's such a yo-yo life I wouldn't encourage anyone to go into if they had a choice knowing up front what they might be in for. If you are young, don't do it. I have seen my quality of life diminish, my health go from excellent to barely good because of the added stress of carrying everything myself. My career came to a halt, where I had an opportunity for a promotion that's now evaporated because of what I deal with. I'm constantly second guessing myself and have to pull myself up after one of his bouts with depression, which is only after a few days of being home. We've incurred debt with him looking for happiness (e.g., motorcycle, boat, spa, rv). I don't mean to be so negative, but I've lived what you described and while I've not given up, I wouldn't encourage anyone to go into a relationship that might mirror my experiences. And believe me, we had one guy in our organization commit suicide and everyone blamed the wife; I was disgusted that they were so quick to judge knowing what I've been going through my heart broke for her and her son and could only imagine her private hell. I'm sorry to go on and on, but I wanted to provide you with as much information to help you decide on your future.  Good luck and God bless you.
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

maureen
In reply to this post by AngryAndScrewed
I have been married for 46 years to a Vietnam vet. I am constantly stressed. He controls my whole life. He tells lies
And  has been looking at things that are not desirable.  He thinks he doesn't do anyting wrong. When something
Bad happens there are no emotions like he did nothing wrong. He has a jeckyl and hyde personality. I am always
Reading body language to see what is next.  I am a christian and go to church alone.  I recently came through
Breast cancer.    He goes to a vet center but he isnt get any help there. He used to hurt me physically, but that stopped
But the emotional abuse continues.
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Shilla
In reply to this post by Nicki
I am soo sorry for all that you are going through...My advice is,  if I was in your shoes I would leave...FAST! However, love is blind because I am still with my psycho Marine; At times I can't even stand to look at him. Resentment will eventually end your relationship. However, it does not mean it won't work out if you two  get some professional advice from a Psychiatrist.  This is your life and no one else can decide anything for you! Keep your head up and make a decision that benefits you! I hope you will find peace and happiness in your life. Good Luck.
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Helena
I have had the most awful Xmas and NY with mine! I won't even go into details. The anger over nothing. It has been awful! Violence, extreme verbal abuse the whole nine yards!
Anyway he has burst a small blood vessel in his brain and had to go to hospital last night. He will probably get over this....who knows. But I have some peace and quiet! I am going to insist he got to respite care for at least a few weeks. I need to recover from the trauma he has put me through. I know I sound cold and heartless right now but I am compassion fatigue!
This is a song that resonates with me and has done for sometime!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM
Hugs
Helena
hh
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

hh
In reply to this post by Nicki
I agree with Helena. Run baby, run. They will never change and once they're off therapy and meds it is very hard to get them back on this. It IS a mental illness. Impossible to live with.  
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Jennifer Sanderson
In reply to this post by Nicki
Check out Narcissistic Personality Disorder....The book Charm To Harm and others.

You will find that his PTSD is not the issue (but it gives him an excuse), and whatever is going on was there before you came along.

This has been my living hell and now his PTSD is his excuse for his crappy behavior, that started well before the military.

I hope your situation has changed since you wrote!
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Re: PTSD, compulsive liar, or both?

Patrice Johnson
In reply to this post by Nicki
I dated a vet with PTSD. He lied continuously and left me 6 months pregnant. He had no emotions. It was like he was Dr Jeykell and Mr Hyde. I loved him dearly but the stress he put me through caused me to have my baby 13 weeks early. If you ask me he mistress did me a favor. I can actually live a normal life again and I am protecting my baby from this merry go round. I do not want her to get stressed and go through what I went through with her dad. I actuallyy feel bad for the other woman as she has no idea what a roller coaster ride she is in for. To anyone reading his do not date a person with PTSD. You will end up emotionally ruined and stuck in life of misery. If you are already married and feel you cannot leave, seek help and keep your support system close as you will want to withdraw from friends and family but having social I terations is one of the few things that will keep you sane.